A Wedding, a Grudge & Miss Havisham.

So one of those aforementioned ex-friends is getting married this year. Let's call her Goldie.

I knew it was coming, since I've met her fiance and he's a fantastic match for her, blah blah, but...still, it's quite the moment when you hear about a major upcoming event in the life of someone you used to care about very much who is now a stranger. You can be struck by a memory or two without any preparation. It makes me wish I weren't sentimental. By the way, I don't have many ex-pals but to you, dear readers, I've spoken at length about one and mentioned one or two more. Some of them I went to school with for ages, so our history, good and bad, is now ancient but still profound, and Goldie is one of those people.




Right now I think she's been replaced. I have a new version of her in my life - someone I met in college who has been an acquaintance ever since. She's the friend I can have fun with, but not trust. I can't ask her or any of her friends to drive when we go out  or to help me downstairs so as to not fall. They are not people who have my back in any way, you know what I mean? It's always a situation where I have to be totally in charge of what happens to me or else things get weird/bad/exhausting. That, though, is someone else.



Despite my memories of things between myself and Goldie from the ages of 18 to 23, I felt, um, conflicted, maybe, or guilty after I heard about the upcoming wedding. I thought about sending the soon-to-be-bride a congratulatory card, having it mailed to her mom's house. Would it be the polite, kind thing to do? I have to keep in mind that even though I have very little experience with forgiving people, she and I have history and will continue to live for a long time. There's still a chance to change my mind about the big picture of our relationship and possibly arrange to hash everything out with her, finally letting go. After all, some things in life are infinitely more important than petty crap. For instance, it upset me at one point when I learned that Goldie, whom I knew from elementary school, had lost one of the beloved elders in her family and no one had told me for about a year! I don't know how I'd feel if that were to happen again, especially since I always got along well with some of her relatives.


I used to want very much to put her in a situation where we wouldn't see each other again for decades if ever. There's also the now-defunct fantasy that one day, years from now, she'd run into me at a grocery store, see carats on a certain one of my fingers

*

and a kid pushing my shopping cart, rolling their eyes, whining about their favorite Pop Tarts, and I would begrudgingly introduce the former friend to my child, but...that's immature, isn't it? I've been taking the first few steps to being like Miss Havisham, haven't I?

Ah, there's my high school senior photo.

I've been avoiding Goldie for a while now, letting her ignore me when she saw fit, not reaching out myself, sharing nothing of my world. I'm concerned that sending a card would imply that I wanted to communicate on her terms like before, because I don't. I don't like chatting with people who've made me distrustful. I would not want to make small talk on occasion, like we used to do in a way I intentionally made one-sided when she used to come find me. Now is a good time to mention that she is an ex-friend about whom I said in my last 'Friendship Breakup' piece that I doubt the motives behind her pleasantness and, as a result, feel small and paranoid, like I've regressed and should be ashamed.
Maybe if all we did was send each other, like, two or three pictures over the years, just of her first house, my kids or something...

I guess I'm just gonna think this over a bit more. Regardless of the facts that life is long (if all goes well) and life is short, forgiving people is a rather foreign concept to me.


But look what I just did! It only took me one blog post of droning on in order to grow up!

Former work name tag.

* http://etsy.me/1RuJFPW