How to Break Up Without Really Doing It

So about the dissolution of my thing with Tom...
what I said before, about my, like, realizing it was over instead of being informed, that was very true, so it would be accurate to say that he put our relationship into a three-month decline that, for a supremely go-with-the-flow kind of guy, was unnecessarily dramatic. I'd always known him to be a very a decent guy and I was so into him, but...he could have simply turned to me one day and, in a serious tone, said something like, "I want out"/"It's over"/"We should break up". Instead, he kept having me over to his place on Saturdays like usual, only to spend the entire time playing a video game in his room, displeased when I visited him in that little dark cave, emerging to make us dinner, refusing kisses and hugs, and returning to the cave. I asked about it numerous times but was offered no explanation, no apology. He kept my favorite kind of bagel around for Sunday mornings but gave me no answers. Sometime in February or March, he made it clear he no longer would support me emotionally. Of course that should have sealed it, right? It should've driven me to make his dream come true by walking out for good, because I deserve a lot better than that and he was obviously unhappy, but there I was, looking at his mixed signals and at how uncommunicative he notoriously was, thinking, 'Maybe he's trying to break this up. Or maybe he wants me around but is having a rough time with something unrelated and chooses to lash out'. When a weekend came that had him being especially bizarre, I tested him by removing what few of my things were at his apartment while he watched, believing that if he still cared, he'd speak up. He said nothing.

One week before Easter, I finally understood. I'd had a difficult time getting hold of him in order to stop at his place for one last item, and once I arrived with his permission, I saw that he and his car were gone. Message accepted. My self-imposed blinders were off. 

          There had been signs, all throughout our relationship of two years and eight months, that we might not last in the long run. I think I was as prepared for the end as possible. We kept disagreeing on some significant differences, and each time somebody teased him about ever proposing to me, he squirmed. I had hoped we might compromise on goals over time and eventually build one life together, but...when your boyfriend tells both you and his best friend more than once that he'll "never marry you", that's more than just a sign, okay?

I understand that a person can change their mind about their partner, but part of my anger over our break-up has been due to Tom choosing to have us split up before we (in retrospect, maybe just I) could be certain we were, as he put it, "too different", and he chose to have that split be an unceremonious, Tom-centric decline with no closing statement, no goodbye, no sign that he respected me and wanted to walk away a on good terms. I'm sure he chose that option because he was ending things in the way that would take the least amount of effort on his part, but it sent the signal that after knowing me well for nine years, he had very little respect for me, and that - that hurt more than not seeing or hearing from him in those last weeks, more than being rejected physically since January, more than dropping him from my dreams for the future. He chose to act as if we were teenagers who had only dated for a few months instead of two adults with a lot of good memories who had, at one time, been in love, no matter how brief that may have been for him.

I've thought about possibly not posting this due to its personal nature, one of the reservations being, 'What if we get back together?' but come on, me. Seriously. It's most likely too late for that, since his actions have implied such finality, he behaved in a similar way when we were much younger, and I'm slowly growing to see our relationship for what it was, finally realizing that it's okay if we never have a Facebook-only quasi-friendship down the line, leaving rare messages on each other's photos, like, "Congratulations on your first child!" His loss. 

Tom may or may not have realized that his actions sent a very strong, disrespectful signal to someone who had cared about and admired him for years. He probably still doesn't care. Maybe less than a month later, I rarely cross his mind and he really is finished with acknowledging that I have value as an individual. Our recent history is already ancient, y’ know? For the time being, he seems content to think only of himself, which could be exactly what he needs, and someday he’ll go on to be an excellent mate and father with someone whom I’m assuming will be a Christian who will take his last name and bear every one of his children and I’ll happily miss out on that life. I won’t be surprised if we never speak again.

In conclusion, I really did learn so much from the relationship and I'll be taking my lessons with me, applying them to be an even better partner to a much more compatible guy.

Correction: April 19, 2016 

This piece was originally published April 8 with a little less wisdom. I'm a twenty-something bouncing back from her first heartbreak, so of course I'm going to say things that at first are honest, then later become, in my mind, silly and over-dramatic. I felt I had to come back a few days after the initial post and reread it, only to find myself editing.