It was a Tuesday, I was working consistently at my desk, encouraging my brain to go from the task before me to my energetic efforts, including this genuine desire to change thoughts and the management of emotions. I wanted to change myself somehow on this day, even in the smallest step.
On my lunch break, I meditated for just over ten minutes and did some reading about some spirituality-related practices. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
After work, I had to cover someone's shift volunteering with some rescue cats. One of the animals has been in the care of Second Chance Network, a nonprofit animal rescue collective, for 21 months now, and Sylvester, the cutie with large, pale green eyes appeared to be as frightened as his description card stated, poor baby. As I cleaned his crate, I asked if he was okay with my performing Reiki inside it. He said nothing and looked away, which I decided was not a no.
I settled in for a long moment where I didn't touch, just rested my hand nearby, palm facing him, and got quiet, practicing a very visual routine I once learned from a teacher of Theta healing. It made me picture myself rising through different layers of existence - above the clouds, through outer space, white light, golden light, etc., and I now felt comfortable enough to imagine my crown chakra opening up to let in energy from the Other Side. I wanted Reiki to flow through me, into this room and into this animal. After a bit, I moved to the other end of the room and meditated in two different brief chunks, intent on filling this space with a peaceful, safe, timeless flow. By the time I was finished, not only did I feel better, but when my thoughts quickly moved to a selfish irritation I'd been obsessing over lately, I can contentedly announce now that one thing came up that didn't usually - something that I now believed. Instead of just dragging my thoughts back to some upsetting past moments and reliving the reactionary emotions, and instead of feeding myself BS positive thoughts to replace those feelings, I said something to myself about how the offending individual was doing the best they could, getting through to me the best way they knew how. I had given myself such a spiel before but hadn't let myself start to accept it. I now wanted to change my mental and emotional priorities, meditate deeper and more often, shine brighter, judge less, manifest more, and this moment was a step in that direction!
I was pleased by my progress.
This loved one of mine had been putting in their best effort in this lifetime and that includes trying to get me to enjoy myself more. TheyaThey assumed that I was "very lonely", lacking experience that wou,d have assured them thatI was living enough, enjoying enough, and I appreciate their love for me, but this person was (understandably) mistaken about how candid I was with them in regards to my social life and they wanted me to fill moments in ways that they, in their youth, did not. Both this loved one I've mentioned and myself are such good souls resiliently pushing through our lives, supporting each other and as Kyle Cease might say, "I love that". There's no good reason for me to want to blame that person for being ill-equipped to get me working on my big, fat trust issue. It's okay that they didn't have the information or know how to get me to listen, and I can't guarantee that Past Me would have set aside their stubbornness enough to consider quantum physics, the Law of Attraction and the power of the soul, etc. There's no guarantee that in my teens, I would've made a 180 degree turn and started having a positive attitude about dating.
There also was nothing
nothing
nothing
wrong with the fact that I waited until now to work on my fear of trust, my identity, authenticity, etc., if I look at it from my soul's perspective as opposed to that of my brain. At least I was turning things around now, giving me fifty-ish years to enjoy life more.
So last Tuesday, by rote, I drudged up a negative thought, but I'm proud that I didn't let the old story go far, making this whole thing feel different. There's a spark in me now, a desire to pursue meditation more deeply during my daily practice for the sake of feeling that good again. It's about damn time that I doggedly pursue feeling good.
