It's one thing to hear numerous times about balancing a goal with the truth of spiritually and psychologically letting it go, and another to watch a result of doing so and recognize the process, saying to oneself, "Oh, okay, so this is what it looks like in my life". As I type this, I can hear Oprah in my head - a moment from a fantastic, brief talk she gave at the 2016 Essence Festival about scoring the role she wanted in the film adaptation of The Color Purple. She made the following excellent point: "When you've done everything you can do, surrender all". That speech is fantastic, the advice is needed, and what I'm about to tell you is one way in which that very process has played out for me recently.
I've been saving money and tried a few energy work techniques I'd never explored before. One of my responsibilities since quarantine began has been to expand my education on epigenetics, or the science of what causes genes to develop in particular ways, causing blue eyes, allergies, IBS, acid reflux, migraines, cancer, etc. I'm also in the process of studying the connections between stress and the body, the heart and the brain, as well as the brain and the immune system. I've learned about different types of energy work, different outlooks on spirituality, and fascinatingly, I came across media detailing the spiritual beliefs of ancient civilizations and devoted esoteric groups - things that are universal truths, some of which we are finding and sharing scientific evidence for today. There were civilizations in different parts of the globe that passed down info. over generations that match up so well, it couldn't rightfully be dismissed as a coincidence by historians. The better I understand each of these subjects, the more that information serves me today and well into the future, so you can consider this to be a part of doing my share in the process of manifestation.
Also, I'm learning firsthand how to heal my own acid reflux and an autoimmune disorder bit by bit, not with any remotely anti-medical field agenda but instead simply seeking empowerment, balance and wellness. Speaking of which, I sat outside for a while today, barefoot on the grass, requesting that Spirit bring negative ions up from within the soil, all throughout my body. I also figured it would help in some way to make the same request about vitamin D and oxygen.
I'm getting better at manifestation, too - doing my best to visualize life in a different home, different job, going on long walks in nature I have yet physically be in - associating strong positive emotions with those visuals.
And I'm sure that's the reason why I achieved some nice material things recently.
In a dream I had the morning of February 28, I admired something with the symbols I alluded to earlier. It happened in a brief moment at the start of the dream's second scene and looked something like this: 
Therefor, the dream item resembled and this real one is a cake topper.
By the way, the first scene had been in a car Mom was driving while I held up a sign for passersby - a useless, totally self-indulgent sign reminiscent of the attempted graffiti you sometimes see on school supplies belonging to some teenagers (*ahem* like moi). After the drive, my mom waited in the entryway of a house that had a strange layout, being a literal maze of doors and windows, hardly any sensibly sized rooms, with no furniture that I could recall. Most of the time, I was an observer, watching multiple people I didn't know as they hurried through door after door, window after window like the Scooby gang on the run from a monster, never finding their way outside or down the stairs.
It could be that my subconscious was reflecting my obsession, at the time, with some disagreements Mom and I had, because I was in the process of overcoming fear about speaking up for myself, and I kept finding a swirling fear that my calmly, strongly disagreeing with her on certain things about health issues and management thereof would lead to her thinking far less of me. I really did get tense and lose sleep over the idea that my own mother might believe that her daughter was an ignorant moron. Consciously, I was determined to get rid of that stressful, emotional belief altogether, and this was helped by the fact that Mom was still chatting with me often, sending me videos and memes about cats, goats and beautiful artwork. I even expressed my fear to her once and got a reassuring response. Obviously, my big issue was not my relationship with Mom but with communication, especially on sensitive or controversial topics, as well as needing to commit more to meditation, because doing so would help me to come back to center, get clarity on what exactly we were each upset about, make decisions that better suited me, get in touch with self-confidence, make repairs to things with Mom when and how it applied, etc.
As much as I can be relieved of an ill-fitting headspace upon breaking off my relationship with a person or an employer, the benefits I've experienced thus far with meditation have been greater. Through it, I strengthen my acknowledgement of my personal power. I get to show myself forgiveness in an immediate, often verbally silent manner. Even if I'm distracted throughout the session, I still can come out of it feeling better, having taken a moment to, like, clean my chakras or get emotional support or release painful tension from my shoulders and upper back.
One thing I could use as a source of hope is the inclusion of stars in the dream. Per dreambible.com, "To dream of a star shape represents feelings about yourself or something in your life being the best. Feeling or being noticeably excellent. Behavior or some area of your life that is incredible."
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On March 8th, my dream was made interesting by the fact that I cared so much about designing this kids' toy or play seat - whatever it was, it greatly resembled a child's cartoon-themed slipper, only it was big enough for a little kid to fit their entire butt and legs inside cross-legged, a position that specifically happened with the girl with whom I played briefly before she introduced me to her this weird, presumably warm yet restrictive kids' item that looked like an elephant. It's odd that I suddenly zeroed in, wanting very much to make some changes to the large slipper before me, having the face in the center, at the toes, sewed down, leaving the sides to flap more like the ears of the real animal.
| image credit: couponersunited |
The next scene had me wanting to relax, so I was suddenly at the bar of a distillery, ready for a tasting, and to help me get calm, I insisted upon something lavender. Suddenly, before me appeared two small glasses, one holding vodka, the other a frozen lavender margarita. When I've taken part in wine tastings, there were pallet cleaners available, usually small crackers and cheese. I knew it was odd when the closest I had to that was a little bowl of pasta salad, starring peas and farfalle, or, if we use the name I know how to pronounce, "bow-tie pasta".
What we need to know about this dream is the following: According to dreambible.com, an elephant could represent issues that I would hate to be confronted about, or perhaps, "May be a sign that you are too dependent on a certain requirement in your life. A persistent tendency to overreact, get upset, or get angry if you don't get your way. Wonderful people who get very angry when one thing goes wrong. Hyper-sensitivity about a situation you like staying perfect." This easily explains my dream self's focus on the elephant thing itself. If I'm overly sensitive or upset about something, then I'm going to think about it a lot more per day [maybe even per hour] than I realize.
The whole dream could be a way of expressing my mental and emotional back-and-forth between the pull of my cultural and familial conditioning to regard the current state of my life with a mindset of lack, with my left brain, still not letting go of doubt no matter how much I've delved into meditation, abundance affirmations, tools and advice on YouTube about manifestation. You know as well as I do, reader, that doubt slows you down, and I have some understanding of the fact that my life, career and health are all better when I have more balance, which is a daily practice that includes the aforementioned process of appreciating what you have. I'm hoping to both manifest and genuinely appreciate the present simultaneously or rapid-fire as much as I possibly can, which means catching myself in a mistake quicker and more often, coming back to deep breathing and all of the material things I really do enjoy, as well as the traits I admire in people, in neighborhood dogs and rescue cats.
Manifestation is easiest for me in the moments when I allow myself to be immersed in an emotion instead of repeating a thought, like when I attended the birthday party of a five-year-old friend of mine and did my best, for a good portion of that day, to be very present. I set my phone down in a safe spot, turned on and set at a reasonable volume in case there occurred a highly unlikely family emergency, and I kept reminding myself to be present, to enjoy joking with the adults, watching their moments of contentment, and playing with some of the little partygoers. It's hard not to be in the moment when a one-and-a-half-year-old girl wants to stand on your thighs and stare you down, her mouth relaxed somewhere near pleasantness. I stared back at that silly, opinionated, beautiful toddler and I manifested, I appreciated, I lived.
In the dream, the alcohol and lavender exemplified the part of my brain that wants my career and living situations to veer away from where they're headed and instead be more practical and expected. After all, the biggest rival is my belief in lack, my self-doubt. As I'm sure nearly everyone does, I besiege myself daily with judgement and, it's important to keep catching those thoughts in my head and replace them with my updated, more uplifting, truthful, proactive thoughts. That battle within is represented by the fact that my pallet-cleanser at the distillery included peas and pasta. My brain and my consciousness need to team up as often as possible to co-create, and over the last few years, I've made a lot of progress in that, reminding myself of steps I can take to create and feel everything that is best for me.
Recently, I accompanied a friend while she ran errands for the sake of spending time together on an off day from her schedule as a student/working mom and it included some perusing at the mall. Before I headed out, I ended up having a brief conversation with my mother, who said that she was glad I was going to the mall; she hoped that I would treat myself to something. I had spent more than a few months repeating to myself that I should be frugal to save for my next home and the initial related expenses, so I was surprised by her statement. my worry about my car. There of course was a budget back when I bought Christmas presents for relatives, and very occasionally, I've gotten takeout from a restaurant, always aiming for food that appeared to not have a lot of sodium but plenty of veggies. Though businesses in my area have opened up after the pandemic lockdown, my typical purchases have been from the grocery store or something simple from a coffee shop. After all, I recently discovered that I had a tire pressure issue with my car, and I was concerned about the outcome. Hadn't I just refilled my front right tire a few months ago? Was it punctured or leaking? Would I need to buy multiple new tires? Fearful mental chatter.
Anyway, while shopping, I saw sweaters with dramatic shoulders, which is a fashion concept that has interested me for some time now
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| collage credit: liketotally80s.com |
^-- (not in this sense, by the way, but a dramatic flair that is lower on the dramatic scale). For the time being, that means that I bought this sweater in both the peach-ish pink and gray. I also bought a couple of well-tailored T-shirts in bright green because I love lime and neon colors. That night, my mom reached out, which would normally be unusual, but she wanted to know if I'd gotten myself anything. I could almost hear her clapping after I admitted to following her advice.
I'm telling you this because I'm convinced that coming across those sweaters was not a coincidence. They not only were there for me, in colors and a style I liked, but they were soft and on the clearance rack. As I was cashing out, the store associate said I had rewards points with them, did I want to use 'em, and I sure did, so I walked out of an expensive store with the items that would make me feel good and get real use in my fashion rotation, having only spent about $17. This was an example of co-creation, of manifestation.
As I left, I saw a skirt that was gonna be out on the sales floor within days and I fell for that piece, too. The price tag me made walk away, considering my financial concern, but I yearned for it, toying with the idea of asking for it later this year as a potential birthday present. I told Mom and Dad about the skirt, then the tires and got another surprise. They knew that I had just been paid, days prior, for a a temporary gig (that had me getting up each day before 6 a.m., ew!) and the money had just arrived in my account. That may well have been a reason why Dad said something like, "If you spent $200 today, it wouldn't be a big deal", and I thought, 'Huh, wuh? You...you're kidding. That's not what I've been telling myself'. The idea that I could have all of these desires met in such a short time blew me away. Not long after that, I reminded myself of the relationship I need to try to have with manifestation and enjoyment, so I started replacing thoughts like, 'I can't have that item yet' with 'How great is this?! I'm excited! Think of just how much I'm going to enjoy wearing it!' and took my car to the garage the next day. Two tires in the rear of the vehicle were refilled for three dollars and, later that day, I ordered the skirt to be delivered to my home, using a payment plan that my Higher Self approved of. I also saw this, a vintage item posted on Etsy that I had saved to my "favorites" list last year. Here I was, staring at the necklace and at the $18 price, below which was a note calling it a "rare find" and that multiple different shoppers were considering it. I was in disbelief again for a moment when my Higher Self used my clairsentience to signal that I could have this necklace if I so chose, that I'd wear it a lot. I said aloud, a couple of times, "No way", and even asked via Tarot, getting a big "yes".
So here we are now. I focus more on self awareness and co-creation, I get exercise and do mindful yoga on an almost daily basis, I drink more water, and I'm seeing results.
1. My tires were a minor problem that cost only three dollars.
2. Shirts, sweaters.
3. Skirt.
4. Necklace.
I have some fun stuff to wear! And all because of sincerely putting in the effort to create more balance in my health and wellbeing, co-creating a satisfying material situation with the universe.
More major changes are coming up, I can feel it, and of course I wanna believe that I look approachable and competent, successful and confident when I'm immersing myself in new experiences, new places and, *gulp* post-pandemic job interviews as well as meeting new people.
Here's to more learning and manifestation. I'll talk to you later.
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