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I hate being asked any version of "Are you gonna marry this guy?" because the majority of the time, it's coming from someone who either hardly knows me or doesn't at all, and they'll ask it every time they see me, without fail. That persistence is what bothers me. I have not gone around announcing to strangers or to people on the periphery of my life that I want marriage in my future at all, let alone soon. I haven't said that my current relationship has the potential to go on for the rest of our lives, with a binding legal contract between us. It's wonderful having a lot of people around, wanting me to be happy, but the people who seem to want me to get hitched in 2016 or so are not the people who know what I want out of life. They appear to have assumed that I'm ready for that type of commitment just because of my age, and possibly also because I'm a woman. What do they know?
My younger self had expected that I would somehow naturally transform into a career-driven person, that I would eventually have it all: a fulfilling work life, a well-rounded, emotionally and physically healthy child, as well as a solid partnership with my child's father.
Um...I have not lived that way. I work hard, work a lot and wonder what I can do next but I do not have much career ambition. I am very willing to work at a partnership and be a mom when I'm ready, but...how do you merge your goals, compromising to have one life together with your partner? I don't know how to determine whether or not a particular person is the one I should commit to whole-heartedly. Why does the decision seem to be much easier for a lot of other people than it is for Tom and me?
The following are things I've decided I should say when asked that question of wedding bells, regardless of what far more wimpy response actually leaves my mouth.
1. "Excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about the environment?"
2. "Well, legally speaking, I could get hitched tomorrow, and if I did, what would you have me do next? Have a baby nine months later? And what are the parameters of this marriage? Do I have to stay married? Do I have to be happy? Does the groom have to be real?"
3. I could launch into a monologue about an essay I read recently in The Public magazine written about those unpleasant moments where you're asked about marriage as if it's not a huge decision and as if you should have done it ages ago. Keith Buckley, lead singer of Every Time I Die (a band that had T-shirts in two or three different designs floating around my high school), writes in to The Public with advice, and when asked what those of us unmarried-but-currently-not-single should say to deflect pressing questions on the topic, he entertained us with a comparison of that pressure to the movie Gremlins.
4. "Oh, we're already married. I'm a few months along with our third child."
5. "Uh, sure! Okay! We'll do it tomorrow. A wedding only costs about $45 if all you need is the certificate. Will you drive us? Oh, and bring your neighbor. We need two witnesses. And a groom..."
6. "No thanks. I'm busy building my empire."
7. "I am not that kind of girl. I'm saving myself for a green card marriage."
8. "Oh, don't worry. That'll happen eventually. After all, I'm the only thing standing between him and his having to take up residence in a zoo."
9. "Wow, um...Do you think I'm ready? I mean, two marriages in two years?"
10. "Shhh. I'm watching 'The X-Files'."
11. "OMG I'll think about it, lol. Good thing there r no real consequences to decisions like this one! #MarriedAtFirstSight - love and divorce are easy peezy! #YOLO"
12. "I don't have to do that. It's voluntary."
There are a lot of people counting on me to, um, live, I guess. They are fun and loving and supportive, but...They know nothing about what's best for me or what I'm hoping to achieve, so...there's no need to bombard me with questions and jokes every time they see me, saying, "So...wedding bells?" among other such things as if we're still living in the early 1960's, as if they want me to do it simply because of my age, gender, and the fact that I'm currently in a relationship,
I am far from ready for such a thing, considering the goings-on of the last four years. Making that big commitment now would be an attempt at a huge, undeserved shortcut, an attempt I would fail at. The goals I have are far more important than marriage. If you want me to be a good spouse, allow me to first become the woman I should already be. Let me do the essential work, to be both the subject and Iyanla. Don't bug me, just let me tell you if I'm taking the very significant "plunge".
In the case of my relationship with Tom, I believe that the work I do on my own situation will show
him that I have no problem with going after the things I say I want so badly. Also, we need more time to determine whether or not we can merge our goals and pursue one life together. Right now, I see no guarantee that we'll compromise and be an overall solid couple 'til death do us part.
As I said, there are more important things in my life right now than getting married. I will make such a decision when I'm ready and
Not
Any
Sooner.
4. "Oh, we're already married. I'm a few months along with our third child."
5. "Uh, sure! Okay! We'll do it tomorrow. A wedding only costs about $45 if all you need is the certificate. Will you drive us? Oh, and bring your neighbor. We need two witnesses. And a groom..."
6. "No thanks. I'm busy building my empire."
7. "I am not that kind of girl. I'm saving myself for a green card marriage."
8. "Oh, don't worry. That'll happen eventually. After all, I'm the only thing standing between him and his having to take up residence in a zoo."
9. "Wow, um...Do you think I'm ready? I mean, two marriages in two years?"
10. "Shhh. I'm watching 'The X-Files'."
11. "OMG I'll think about it, lol. Good thing there r no real consequences to decisions like this one! #MarriedAtFirstSight - love and divorce are easy peezy! #YOLO"
12. "I don't have to do that. It's voluntary."
There are a lot of people counting on me to, um, live, I guess. They are fun and loving and supportive, but...They know nothing about what's best for me or what I'm hoping to achieve, so...there's no need to bombard me with questions and jokes every time they see me, saying, "So...wedding bells?" among other such things as if we're still living in the early 1960's, as if they want me to do it simply because of my age, gender, and the fact that I'm currently in a relationship,
I am far from ready for such a thing, considering the goings-on of the last four years. Making that big commitment now would be an attempt at a huge, undeserved shortcut, an attempt I would fail at. The goals I have are far more important than marriage. If you want me to be a good spouse, allow me to first become the woman I should already be. Let me do the essential work, to be both the subject and Iyanla. Don't bug me, just let me tell you if I'm taking the very significant "plunge".
In the case of my relationship with Tom, I believe that the work I do on my own situation will show
him that I have no problem with going after the things I say I want so badly. Also, we need more time to determine whether or not we can merge our goals and pursue one life together. Right now, I see no guarantee that we'll compromise and be an overall solid couple 'til death do us part.
As I said, there are more important things in my life right now than getting married. I will make such a decision when I'm ready and
Not
Any
Sooner.
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