It would be reasonable and correct to assume that my parents are unaware of what an empath is and the fact that their daughter is one. For example, they rewrite my discomfort with amusement parks as a symptom of my A.D.D.! Something else that they are unaware of is that at a young age, I got in the habit of matching Mom's energy if she came in the room highly stressed or angry, as if that's where I should be just because I'm the offspring. As a little kid, I had my parents up on pedestals and I wanted harmony in the household, so I thought I was taking on one of my responsibilities. My parents didn't try to manipulate me into doing so, and if they'd known about it, they would have simply said once, "Don't worry about it, honey", and moved on, as if now my reacting to Mom would be a non-problem.
In my opinion, my mother and father did some excellent parenting with their realities, their belief systems, resources, personalities and current maturity levels.
That said, you guys know that I've been changing intensely over the last nine years, which hasn't been a wonderful transition for the parents. They don't know how much I've changed, and I have reason to assume that now, more than ever, they don't see me. Mom has always been the most communicative parent, and I think that she doesn't like the current Shannon as much, probably assuming that I'm just going through a phase of being misinformed and defiant.
I've grown so much, dude. I'm just a month and a half away from meeting some specific, terrific chosen family members in a new life. Not only that, but I recently signed a lease and started visiting a coffee shop nearby, etc. There's so much that I deserve to focus on...and here I am, losing sleep, clenching my stomach over breaking news to my mom that I'm going there or doing this. These decisions aid in my pursuit of my best life at this time, but Mom sees a fictional Shannon when she looks at me, and these choices I've made get her angry, bringing out what our little family refers to as her inner Mean Girl. When I try to discuss with her these life-shifting decisions, there are elements of her argument that I don't understand, and I can't read her mind, so bare with me now as I lay out the impression I get of how she might see me. Okay? Well, two or three choices I've made in the last six years have validated incorrect beliefs she has about me, including the idea that decision-making is a massive weak spot, as I not only should get counsel with big stuff, like buying a vehicle or moving homes, but that I'm very stunted, very delayed in that department (And however much truth there may actually be to that, apparently she's unaware of her part in it, which, in itself, is eye roll-inducing).
Also, she, along with everybody else I currently know, is unaware of how much growth and learning I've undergone in the last nine years, and who among them would be in a position to grasp my talking about an "upgrade" or "spiritual awakening" or whatever the f**k? So. My friends and family, without exception, believe that I am basically the same person today that I was in the spring of 2016, a time when my way of striving to be an informed voter or a patient seeing a doctor had different processes and data. That was a time when Tom (a long-ago boyfriend I wrote about) and I finally stopped dragging around the smelly carcass of our relationship and I soon found myself compelled, seemingly out of nowhere, to drive out to a little shop a town over, buy a little sterling silver moon and star ring and spend money on a psychic/mediumistic reading from a total stranger.
Because of what I just said in the previous paragraph, I find it understandable that Mom sees me as being significantly less informed and less intelligent than I really am, and I'm assuming that you guys can understand why that contributes to how frustrated and bored I've been for almost a decade, but of course Mom's frustrated, too, since she doesn't know who her daughter is turning into or perhaps why I make some of my choices alone. I have tried numerous times to approach this conflict without my bias and without an abundance of emotion and every time, I don't see why Mom would need as much information as she says I should give in order for __fill in the blank here__ to be accomplished. And why does it have to involve her getting angry and repeatedly calling me an ass***e? I wish she saw me as an adult who did not need Mom and Dad to take care of me to the degree that they do. They go too far, and in Dad's case, it is part of pressuring himself a great deal about being a provider. In Mom's case, I suspect that it's a different mindset, perhaps convinced that I'm deeply immature. Does she see me as being developmentally delayed? Why else would she overstep like this? And if I'm correct, then why does she occasionally suggest that I get a boyfriend? I don't quite get it, because if I were who she believes I am, then who would be a match for me? One of the countless "men" who's psychologically still 15? A guy in his early 20's, whose brain hasn't finished developing? She has said, multiple times over the years, "I think it'd be a good distraction", because she is a big fan of living a very distracted life. She is a driven, very talented person and her credo is very Virgo - productivity, socializing, silly dog videos, productivity, productivity, sleep, wash your hair, repeat, and some behaviors of mine are understandably misinterpreted, so in her mind, her daughter is wasting time and talent, not nearly productive enough and energy spent addressing insecurities and the end of longtime unhealthy friendships should, in Mom's POV, be spent out chatting and doing activities with a guy or other acquaintances, never mind the lack of deep connection. I have compassion for the people who simultaneously love me unconditionally and firmly believe that my attention shouldn't go far below the surface. The real problem is when some of those people get a front row seat to my day-to-day behavior and discourage my effort to be myself. I am not capable of regressing to be the person that some of my loved ones would like me to be. We shouldn't pressure each other to live their way or mine. In regard to this mother-offspring dynamic, Mom seems to be pushing for minimal change, whereas I'm certain that we need to start living full-time as individuals, not burdened Mom and dependent daughter.
I stand by what I told Mom once or twice - that as we adjust to my having started a new career farther away, our relationship will improve. Each time I said it, she appeared to not have a clue what I meant, but I could easily reflect on many memories we've made in just the last six years that exemplify how much we repel each other. I'm willing to address my judgment of her, and clearly that isn't the kind of "going inward" that she's willing to do, which adds to the challenge of our connection. You could do a lot worse, of course, but...s**t. When I'm about to share news with her, it isn't healthy for me to be so dramatically anxious, stomach clenching, short of breath, losing sleep. It's ridiculous. Clearly, I need to tap into my personal power even more if I want to have a successful relationship with my mom going forward.
