What I Learned From Watching ‘Hart of Dixie'

 

-                 I already had a dumb stereotype-riddled bias against the idea of my living in a

 small town and this show perpetuated all of them. So thanks for that, Dr. Hart.

-       Many of the jokes are cliché and are inserted into dialogue in such a way that it makes the whole episode script into the softest game of softball imaginable. Part of comedy is surprising your audience a bit, striking the part of the brain that goes, ‘Oh! That was clever, how great!’ and triggers a laugh. If a writer makes humor a very low priority in favor of playing to the basic wants of teenage girls via shirtless guys confessing their feelings to the uninteresting fish-out-of-water protagonist, then the jokes, the characterization, and even the kisses become cotton balls and cosmetic sponges instead of moments fans can cheer about.

  

-                                In my humble viewer opinion, soft TV that’s done right is Drop Dead Diva, The Vampire Diaries or Haven. Those shows have talented casts – Diva’s beautiful Brooke Elliott pops – a go-getter with nice eye shadow and a lot of compassion. Diaries has a smart, caring young woman who, in a way, is mature beyond her years, and actually could get me to believe, for 42 minutes, that a werewolf is in danger of being “compelled” into a worse situation. Audrey is Haven’s good cop/strong woman struggling valiantly with her multiple past identities, which all share one thing in common: the decision to save the town of Haven.

Those shows have decent lead actresses and the writing is well thought-out. You know you’re watching mediocre television, but plot lines will go smoothly without making you roll your eyes, characters will be full and believable, and maybe specific true aspects of the human experience will be given a small spotlight, like trust or uncertainty, brain tumors or marriage, fate or the power of choice. I'll give Hart of Dixie the fact that it will send messages about loyalty, the pros and cons of living in a small town, being open-minded about a romantic connection, having an alcoholic dad, a teenager’s cry for help, or the episode with a devoted husband’s secret health compromise for the sake of his wife’s feelings in an annoying story line about a botched tattoo and “the Feds”, but Hart of Dixie also deserves credit for persevering (longer than I expected) with or in spite of the fact that it has a piece of cardboard standing in for its lead actress. Everyone  else I see on the show does a better job than Rachel Bilson. Even the little boy who stars in a  tourism commercial for their fictional town of Bluebell in which he just eats pie and says, “I can’t resist!” emotes more than Bilson does on a regular basis.

 

 

 

                                       Hey, reader, when you were younger, did you watch Family Matters almost religiously like I did? I would recognize the dad from that show anywhere, and he, Reginald VelJohnson, is on this show, playing the dapper owner of the Bluebell Bed & Breakfast as well as the town’s resident gossip blogger, giving me a happily familiar face in the sea.

      

                        Okay, so I’ve now out-ed myself as a wonderfully talented portrait artist. Note how I got lazy about giving hair to two of the five characters. 

                -       Um, why do the main characters date and sleep around so much? Why? Poor George is a good, really cute guy who was on Friday Night Lights as a good, really cute football star injured in the first episode, and he can’t find someone to keep him happy for a long, long time since he and Lemon broke up? What’s next? When does it end? For how long will he be a confused, heartbroken slut among other confused, heartbroken sluts? That’s too many people going through the same thing, I think. He should move up the coast and marry me to free himself from that boring Bluebell life.

               (George! Remember New Orleans, when you got to add complexity to your character! 
At least we’ll always have New Orleans.)

-        Lemon is forced to set aside how bossy and judgmental and motherly she can be long enough to admit to her humanity and friggin’ relax. But she’s Lemon, so the only things I like about her are her clothes. 

-               Lavon is a decent mayor and a good guy and he’s handsome with a washboard stomach, blah blah blah. Why couldn’t he and the formerly married lady make it work? And why can’t he and what’s-her-name, uh, Didi work things out? He deserves happiness, not a love life full of drama. Even if we are talking about the CW. At least Lavon gains points with fun personality traits like having a kind-of pet – the alligator living behind his home, which he named Burt Reynolds. That’s cool.

         

- I know what you’re thinking: WTF. Well, this basically did happen in season one, episode twelve. At the time, I was anti-Wade ‘cause he was so immature. The Wade-Zoe stuff has always bugged me. I didn't understand why Wade, who has some depth (albeit cliche depth), chose to have sex with cardboard. But...since then, I've grown up a bit and seen a few episodes of  Frisky Business on Netflix, which taught me more about minding your own sexual business.

The guy stepped it up, though, a little way’s in, to look after his alcoholic father, unflinching in the occasionally embarrassing moments. Who wants their dad to make himself a late night, one-man show, teetering and shouting on a rickety rooftop? Wade went over and sang “Moon River” in a low, off-key tone, calming his old man down.

 

             Hey, remember when I said "believable emotions"? Well, how about the time that the girl sweeping up hair at the local salon got STD testing done and was too embarrassed to handle everything in her own name, so...if I recall correctly, she had it in the town pastor's name. 

             That episode provided me with fun options for thought bubbles!

                                                                  Look at these faces. MoMA, here I come!

             And this is the extent of my attention to 'Hart of Dixie' details. I just couldn't get into the show, despite watching numerous episodes to 'give it a chance". I think my biggest hang-up has been my total lack of interest in Zoe's life and well-being. Rosie or whatever her name was mattered more to me. The dorky tall guy who built an elaborate tunnel system for his pet gerbil deserved a happy ending; Lavon and Burt Reynolds, too.

           Anyway, the show provided me with a variety of silly moments I could turn into drawings. They are not going to sit on my computer anymore, serving as possible blackmail. And for that, I am grateful. So grateful. 

            I am never watching this show again. Taking a nap would entertain me just as much.

p.s. As I'm sure you already know, these are simply my opinions, not attacks or the world's weakest campaign to have "Hart of Dixie" canceled in favor of one of these gems from Soren Bowie over at Cracked.