Friday night was not fun. That said, a story came out that was really interesting from a compassionate standpoint. The plan was to joke around with a couple of friends and
have some wine. We ate dinner and put on a movie, then the night was out of control for a while, with discussion careening into the topic of race.
One of my pals told a story we hadn’t heard before, wiping away tears as she
explained that once upon a time, her sister had ended a seemingly great
relationship with a boy because he was Jamaican and her family was racist. My friend
was upset on her sister’s behalf because she had given herself an ultimatum
when faced with an emotional tug-of-war - a happy learning experience vs her family's approval - and missed out on
something, but at the same time, the way that decision made her feel afterward probably taught her significant lessons. It sounded like my friend's sister has grown so much in the years since and I’m relieved for her on
that front. The fact that the protagonist of the story seems to have moved far,
far away from a fear is admirable and makes me see her differently.
Soon, the
discussion was uncomfortable, and not for the first time, leading to a scenario in which I, a white woman, were to be romantically
involved with a black man. One of my friends is quite racist and surprised me by asking what I would
do if my tight-knit family were to meet the hypothetical
boyfriend and want him gone. I think she may have only asked because of the wine in her system. I couldn’t believe that
A)
She might think that some of my relatives could see African
Americans as inferior
B)
She might be surprised if I faced the ultimatum of “Shannon, this
family will disown you if you continue to be involved with that man” and chose
to stay with him.
I recognize
the importance of being committed to a romantic soulmate. Being with The One
will make it much easier for the relationship to have a great deal of mutual
support. He and I are each going to need our partner to keep up with and be
respectful of our goals. A partner shouldn’t get in the way of your path. Therefore,
I can’t fill that role in my life with somebody else’s soulmate or with a
self-centered/needy/unstable/umbilical cord-toting/abusive jerk face. No matter
what he looks like, the love of my life will matter too much to be disregarded
in favor of insecurity I adopted based on an outsider’s discriminatory
narrative.
For a person to
have a healthy life with contentment and success, I personally find that I have to relax and stay
focused on the right priorities when a racist friend drags us all into the mud
of damaging opinion. Committed racists are going to pontificate on their beliefs again and again, and I won't try to change these people. I’ve got to be the more Golden Rule-friendly (collective consciousness-friendly) individual in that situation, using
appropriate responses instead of impulsive reactions. It won’t do any good to
lower my energetic vibration and contribute to ruining a social gathering.
When it comes to this past Friday specifically, I'm thankful for the story I heard for the first time, because it made me pause to sympathize and respect someone who wasn't even in the room. Also, I'm disappointed that the rest of the evening played out the way it did. I will be
hanging out with these women again and what that happens, I’ll commit to having fun.
