What I remember now of the dream this morning is that I was working on something with a guy I used to know, a neighbor of a friend of mine, and this guy was goodhearted with so much potential but was awfully immature for his age, which often made him an annoyance, and he moved out of that building, like, a year and a half ago, so it surprised me to recall seeing him in my dream, and soon after that scene was over, my imagination had moved on to some darker alternate universe that had me hiding in an unfamiliar house under one or two heavy blankets in a corner of the front room, shades drawn, because I just didn't have time to bolt for a room toward the back of the house with the faceless older man who found us this house to begin with. He had been partway out of the room, headed for the hall when the front door flew open and let in what I assume was a militia, dressed all in black riot gear, shielded helmets protecting most of their faces from me. Two men in the front didn't obscure their faces, though, and one barked orders at the man who had been trying to help me, while the other looked over at the pile of blankets in the corner and, fearful, I accidentally made eye contact. My response was to flop some heavy, dark-colored blanket over my head, as if that would convey the message that I wouldn't try to describe him to any dissidents, due in large part to the fact that he, like the men behind him, currently had a long firearm in his hands. I was afraid that I was now going to be shot to death. Up until the moment I awoke at 11:22 a.m., lying on my arm in such a way that it felt amusingly numb, Dream Me was still alive.
I think I can tie those two memories together in the following way...
Quarantine, a furlough from work and stress about my current living/financial situation have helped the most selfish, unmotivated part of me to claim most of my mornings. While in the old apartment, I typically slept until ten, and right now, if it's not a work day, ten is my earliest, because I'll stay up until about 2:30 a.m. and get up sometime before noon. I've messed up my body's sleep schedule but fer sure. The friend whose nest I've invaded was upset about my furlough and is still driven crazy by my sleeping in. She hates it when nine o'clock rolls around and she's doing a chore or handling e-mails after a three-mile walk around the neighborhood, aware that her home is quiet because I'm still conked out in her guest bedroom. She wishes that I'd get another job and leave her space ASAP, which channels into her pressuring me to get up early. One could surmise that a common denominator of today's dream fragments is my own criticism of immature behavior, because I currently am making life harder for myself and making myself look bad to my friend using poor time management, and that guy I used to know displayed some disappointing behavior that was inconvenient, rude, self-absorbed, and maybe my subconscious was conflating my impression of him with judgment of my own self-defeating habit. On dreambible.com, I found not a definition of "military", as I'd hoped, but of "army", which said,
To dream of an army
represents a rigid stance or belief system. Persistent beliefs or
values in the face of adversity. It may reflect your need to muster up
all your strength to endure a hardship. Buckling down to deal with a
problem. Following strict rules or an important schedule.
Punctuality. Alternatively, it may reflect a strong sense of loyalty to
a team.
Negatively, an army may symbolize a stubborn attitude or a big grudge.
I hope that looking at these dream fragments this way isn't lazy or "philosophical bullshit", as the song goes (though even if I am overthinking, this could just be a reminder to self about personal improvement, since I really am in a bad habit with time management). There have to be ways in which I can be more respectful and generous on the home front, helping more to, like, rinse off veggies and fruit after my friend has made a grocery run, or cleaning more around the house. I'm already in charge of cleaning the guest bedroom and bathroom, watering her many plants and doing most of the dishes since I'm truly so fortunate as to not be charged rent for my stay. My friend and I have talked about recipes I'll eventually be cooking for us, planning a sit-down meal. I sometimes make the salads she has on her lunch breaks at the office the next day.
Neither of us imagined that I would ever need this help or that I'd be in her guest room for this long, so just a couple of days ago, her emotions boiled over and she went into a monologue about my tendency to sleep in late, exaggerating about my laptop use and "sitting there for hours, having four lunches", all seemingly because she so hates having her nest invaded for prolonged periods, and because I'm not working the kinds of hours she is, which could make it look like I spend all my time off avoiding productivity, overindulging in selfishness. This happened on Wednesday, to be specific, and though we've talked and argued about those exact things before, she added something interesting this time, which was to imply that she doesn't see me as an adult. In recent months, it's been difficult actively searching for a new job with more hours and higher pay as much of our community, state and country have slowly reopened and employers are restructuring how and when to have people on the job, and my lack of success there has worn on my friend's patience. I wish I wasn't here, in her way and I wish I had paid better attention, months ago, and found my next apartment, but unfortunately, there has yet to be anywhere else for me to go, and I don't know how best to exercise patience and compassion when her approach to our problems makes the situation harder; I am putting forth effort, though. When she asks about my job hunt, I never know what to say, but early this afternoon, she came home from running errands to find me folding her freshly laundered bedding and filling the dishwasher.
About job-hunting, I'll clarify: I don't know what to say because my Higher Self has consistently made it clear that I need to live in a mindset of abundance and prepare for our both residential and employment circumstances to change. On the topic of work, I've had the Three of Cups come up countless times. I've been advised that my next gig has potential to be a great fit and I need to be ready and enthusiastic. I want to secure something in October and put my current job behind me. I assume I can't tell any of that to my friend, though, especially after my botched attempt at moving in and out of homes primarily on intuition and money. I don't know how I'd word it and I'm utterly convinced that she wouldn't have faith in the very concept of my soul guiding me on these decisions. Back in May, we talked a little about the relationship between emotional health, physical health and epigenetics and she didn't want to understand any of it, repeatedly referencing classes she'd taken years ago in biology, looking at me sometimes like I was a conspiracy theorist, which disturbed me to the point of worrying that this person, whom I respect a great deal, might now think little of me, and though she once assured me that it wasn't true, her regard for me was intact, I'm still lacking confidence that she and most of my other pals and all of my relatives would care or believe me if I spoke to them about epigenetics, talking to dead people and what I've learned about the Other Side. A couple of years ago, I did some Tarot readings for my grandmother because I knew she'd find it entertaining, but when she suggested that I do that for the rest of the family, I had to ask her to help keep my secret. I'm so surrounded by people who are or appear to be nonbelievers, including a family that is mostly old school Catholics. When it comes to my new gig, I've kept my mouth shut for the most part, and as someone asks or brings up seeing a hiring sign for this company or that one, I'll think, 'The job is almost here, I just have to be grateful, confident and sometimes generous until the right moment comes', secretive, uncomfortable. I should learn how to respond to the reasonable questions and comments and not stew in this discomfort that is probably counterproductive.
I don't aim to convert my loved ones to my beliefs, attitudes or way of life, but the thought of honestly answering certain questions, and the one time Grandma argued with me about how a person finds a lifelong partner...some of those interactions end up being a matter of...
coincidence, positive attitude and free will vs confidence, timing arranged by the Other Side and meeting the Other Side halfway with free will
Multiple factors have made me ready for this new job, which is, by the way, altogether a new career, but because of the quarantine and virus, this career was not necessarily available to me in March or even June, y' know? Besides, difficult as it was, quarantine gave me time to meditate more and with some different techniques, getting a little better at connecting and interpreting. My skill with Tarot has improved significantly.
It's just...that in the meantime, I'm concerned about the amount of damage my reputation may have incurred with some specific close friends and with my parents because...although they think highly of me and know that I'm intelligent, I've made some decisions they don't have any faith in, and I'm still embarrassed by my mistakes regarding my move, so...I have to grapple with the hit to my confidence. I said this to you just a few months ago, but it still applies: Considering what's coming my way, I better get that confidence up. Work and home are gonna be great, but when finding and starting that chapter, I'm gonna need all the energy I can muster! I haven't figured out how to answer my friends and my mom when they ask about the pursuit of those goals, and that's a challenge, but of course I just have to keep that in patient perspective.
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