Men in Black Don't Have Beards

     

Worst headache of my life happened when I awakened somewhere within the compound at Area 51. Obviously, I escaped with my life, never got my ship back.

Some men don't like it if you try to braid their large beard and hang ornaments in it. That's a shame, right?

I passed out on the bathroom floor at Dan Harmon’s house.

Had to get rid of my lavender wig today and grieve it for a bit. I was so sad that I could barely finish my daily pear bellini.

Went nightclub-hopping with a twenty-something who kept raving about her own looks and her adventures at cock fights. She wore the ugliest high heels.

Prior to quarantine, I worked at a factory that made mannequins. Unfortunately, they never let me take one home (to be a stand-in at my apartment for safety reasons).

Imagine arguing with a Sasquatch about sandwiches and iced coffee. That describes my weekend.

One day, I went out to buy more crackers and ended up coming home with a large iced Americano and a tabby cat. I forgot the crackers.

Went ghost-hunting at Eastern State Penitentiary and recorded the whole session, catching even my long chain of hiccups.

Accidentally killed a bird with my car.

I started a secret breakfast club with a few Men in Black. It’s unusual for me to be the person in the room with the darkest skin.

A cousin arranged for me to visit Diagon Alley with her during winter vacation. I tried a lot of unusual jelly beans and learned that I hate butterbeer.

My nephew made himself a tinfoil hat and refused to make one for me.

Strangely, for a matter of months, nothing I did could fix or cover up the fact that I smelled like rubber and spray cheese.

I met a historian who was also a puppet.

My past self has a blog and holy crap, it is so F-in’ boring.

Over the course of February and March, an unfamiliar number kept texting me photos of elaborately decorated pancakes.

During a layover at an airport, I met delicious-looking man I recognized as an actor from Sweden and hoped that maybe, just maybe, at the right time, we could flirt a while as a fun way to pass the time. Instead, I accidentally fell asleep on him and drooled on his shoulder.

Not a fan of French toast; I did once have a Frenchman serve me buttered toast, though, and that was nice.

Part of me would love to own some vintage bowling shirts with nicknames sewn by the breastbone.

I saw someone playing a trumpet the bell of which was shaped like a flower.

I worked my way through a plant-based cookbook by Julie Piatt.

It's an entertaining breakfast time if I spend it not only eating and sipping espresso, but poking around online for further information about a biological child of pirates Anne Bonney and Calico Jack.

My best friend is a red Golden Retriever named Nala.

I recently got Dragon voice recognition software for my laptop. My preference is to use it for onomatopoeia. For example, I want to see the raspberry I just blew.

In 2017, I was seeing a girl who ended our fling to get back together with one of the ounsi of a Haitian Vodou temple.

I’ve made appointments for my cat and myself to specifically see a hair psychic.

It shouldn't be a surprise if one day you end up with a dent in the wall of your apartment after a raging party next door, if your neighbor is Pam Poovey.

I almost fell off of a boat. In my defense, the owner was saying ridiculous, closed-minded things about American culture, including the word “shooted”, and the conclusion really took me by surprise.

       Side note: That water was cold.

I learned that one of my uncles is in a committed relationship with two different women, which of course is not really my business, y’ know, so I didn’t mind the news, though I did soon think, ‘Maybe I should have tried that’ back when I was dating.

In one particular town, I refused to take the trolley because it was haunted.

No, I did not try to take on that world chess champion at his game. We talked and had a few drinks, though he insisted upon ordering my first cocktail so that I would try it, and I hated that thing. I mean, in addition to the other ingredient or two, bourbon and butterbeer? Gross.

I applied to be an intern in the Supernatural division of the Smithsonian.

Two different dolls did not respond to my Reiki. Sarcastically, I say: how rude, Robert and Annabelle. Rude.

Let's move into a former firehouse or gas station, install a full bar and a dance floor, then make the housewarming party into a day-long buffet and groove party.

I once broke out Tarot cards when I had a question about the oregano spice.

If you are what you eat, I'm in trouble: broccoli, popcorn, kale...Do you think that's why my toes are turning so green and puffy?

...Currently having a moment where I contemplate whether a memory is from real life or a dream...

So what are you getting me for my birthday? Hint: it rhymes with Asian sea otter. 

Wait.

I'm trying to talk my manager into letting me have my company car painted purple.

I still think it was tacky for D.B. Cooper to wear a clip-on tie.

Recently thought that I'd like to see more angst from "American Dad"'s Mertz; the video could be just for me. #fanfiction #DorkyWasteofTime

Just wanted to share what I've been up to.