In this post, I talk about not only my dream, but I spend a paragraph on the pandemic and give a life update. Spoiler: There is absolutely no plan to make sourdough bread.
I mean...just no.
I was with my parents, planning to go get a pizza. As usual, Dad drove, and I should've known something was up because Mom left the vehicle (and upon waking, I couldn't remember what the reason/excuse was), but once she was safely elsewhere, Dad was driving like a beginner stunt man! I closed my eyes a couple of times and held tight first to the seat rest in front of me, then to something at my side, waiting out the mania of the figure 8's, the circles, the speeding this way, then swinging around - witchahhhh and errrrrrrt.
As per dreambible.com:
To dream of speeding represents decision-making that is highly motivated or driven. Feeling compelled to stop at nothing to finish something. Wanting a relationship or situation to move along faster than it is.
And when I looked up pizza specifically:
If you crave pizza in a dream it represents your desire to decide how something will turn out. Yearning to win or have your way.
It's because of my current time of transition that this dream happened. I have slightly increased confidence that has me speaking up more. In this quarantine, more time at home is an opportunity for more meditation, which means receiving fantastic downloads of patience, confidence and whatever other traits may help with a type of counseling role.
Transition also means that I'm moving soon. You may be thinking that logically, now seems like a crazy time to make such a decision, what with the COVID-19 pandemic and quarantine, but there's one person I wanna strive to fully trust at all times and that's my soul; Higher Self says move, and as scary/exhilarating as it felt to tell my landlord that I hadn't filled out the rental agreement paperwork because I would be gone by May 31st, it didn't feel wrong. There was no disgruntled tightness of stress in my gut. My heart didn't start up a hyperactive beat. I wanna do what's best for me - not what's safe and logical on paper but take an important step on behalf of my personal growth. So. I'm packing and periodically, the landlord calls to notify me that he's booked an appointment to give a tour of the apartment to a potential tenant. It has its moments of feeling odd.
Mom and Dad were in my dream because I haven't told them yet. Dad speeding was a metaphor expressing my determination to follow through on what my soul told me was the best decision about my place of residence, and the dream relates to my fear about informing the parents because the choice seems nonsensical. Mom, Dad and I have plenty of room for stress. I mean, holy crap, thinking of hiring a crew (run by and often employing military vets!) to remove the dresser and broken treadmill that ex-roommate and ex-friend Shauna left behind and to help me move my heavier furniture, as well as finding a place that would help me with all of that while occasionally fielding questions from loved ones, including the parents, about why and how when I wouldn't tell them, like, "My soul had me do it," knowing that the statement wouldn't go over well. And why would it? My parents are normal people! They're not spiritual in the least! They, as well as the friends I turn to the most for practical advice, like to tackle concerns about money and homes and moving with advanced plans. They make decisions entirely with their brains, whereas I've spent about two years feeling like I've outgrown this apartment and suddenly, during a viral pandemic lock-down, my soul suggests that I "leave this behind", not telling me when I'm going or whereto or even how much rent will be. I'm just supposed to pack and get out before May 31st. Nerve-wracking, right? None of this generated from my brain - I would not have wanted to move now, are you kidding me?
I'm afraid. Yes, a lot of places have been off limits or even closed to slow the spread of this horrific virus, so that reduces options, right? So I'm thinking too much during my daily meditations, possibly irritating my Higher Self with it, trying to weasel out of her, "Where and when? Where and when, pleeeeeeaaaaase". Also, the fear of telling my parents is because they're gonna be upset and I don't want words or facial expressions shooting my way along the lines of, "Our daughter. Has. Snapped."
You may even be thinking that right now as you read this!
Also, I've been afraid of my mother's response, because for reasons I won't get into here (at least not yet), she and I have disagreed on how worried, how vigilant I should be regarding this, prompting some comments and some looks from her that just...make me uncomfortable...in the sense that I very much love and respect this person and if I'm going to ever draw a look anywhere near disgust from my mother? I...The thought upsets me enough that I've withdrawn to a point. I don't want to go over to their house and risk talking about a commitment I've made that will be unimaginable to both her and my other wonderful parent. This discussion is inevitable and I'm on it despite my obvious dread.
When my warm, supportive, close family finds out about this, it should be a controversial, juicy story for a little while. After all, we are in dark, bizarre times. There's no easy way to be a part of the world and deny the seriousness of COVID-19's affect. There was an interview on "The Kevin Moore Show" podcast wherein the virus was discussed, and the host talked about seeing images of some victim cranial scans, describing the appearance as "broken glass in the brain". I hate that people are passing before they want to and doing so amidst pain and illness. Not only am I currently required by state executive order to cover my nose and mouth in public places, but every time I wrap one of my Chinese silk scarves or a bandana around my face, I decide that it's also a show of respect for medical workers, patients, the deceased and their families. This pandemic is real and horrible, global and life-changing.
I felt the need to add the above paragraph just to clarify that I'm not trying to avoid reality.
I hurt for us, I do energy work for us. At my core, I am a loving, contributing human and soul.
It's just that I'm doing something that seems highly improbable. I'm choosing personal growth over logic. It appears that my safety and my stuff are going to be at risk just because I'm putting someone in charge whom you can't see.
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| A neighbor's sidewalk. |
Staying another year in this apartment wouldn't be awful, I know, but it would dim the light I'm shining.
I have s**t to do, man, and a future baby daddy to meet. So. With that near future in mind, I'm gonna get pressure from my parents (the anticipation of which is stressful enough that as I type this, my shoulders ache and maybe tonight I won't sleep well), but I've committed to taking this leap.
Higher Self is guiding me. As I elaborated on my anxiety earlier, I felt an odd pang at the back of my head a few times, broke out the Tarot cards and said, "What was that?"
The response was:
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| (Rider-Waite deck) |
I started writing this post with the expectation that it would be posted after I had completed the experience - a total cop-out for the sake of waiting until the leap was over before putting this vulnerability out there. The only reason why I changed my mind is because I asked my Higher Self if she was cool with that idea and chyeah no. She was like, "Post it soon, once it's finished", not between rounds of unpacking in the new apartment. Set an example. So. It's only happening with her support, but...
I'm doing this. And I'll keep you updated.
