I've been apartment-hunting on and off for weeks. I met with a landlord who wanted to help me out in regards to my lease expiration at the current apartment, but the place he showed me was too small and didn't feel right energetically in addition to a strong cigarette smell in the entrance and garbage bags wrapped around branches of the tree closest to the front door. My mom was with me for the walk-through and pointed out shabby rooftops of other buildings in the complex. A place my dad found looked nice but was at least $90 over my budget and f**k that. My attitude may be different if we were discussing a mortgage payment, but this part of my life has a more temporary feel.
This process would not have happened in 2020 or gone smoothly without the help of my spirit guides, one of whom has the tough gig of helping me with manifestation, a skill that played a gigantic role. During this quarantine, a good portion of my time has been spent in just as bohemian a way as you think: focusing on some of the details I want in my next home, feeling a swirly movement of energy beneath my skin that has been awesome, drawing a warm, important, transformative life closer and closer. Achieving this would have taken longer and certainly would have been more expensive without the support of the spiritual team assigned to me.
I still struggle to trust them, because first off, this is daunting, of course, and also 'cause I've spent years relying so much on just my brain and emotions as well as the brains and emotions of certain seasoned humans when it came to decision-making. I certainly wasn't raised with the idea of developing the intuition as inherent as my heart, brain and lungs. As a child, neither of my wonderful parents were aware of the power of listening to advice from one's own soul and from people I can't touch or even see on a video conferencing program. Knowing that there is a plan in place for my move is a relief, but...not having the plan be in my head, my hands is so nerve-wracking. Almost every time I meditate, I have to take a moment to visualize emptying myself of stresses, including the desire to control this situation, and I imagine setting the stress - each symbolized by a dark-colored ball - in a container of some kind that my Higher Self carries away. I do this at least once a day, you guys, and even then, I don't truly let go.
I have moments of real calm and contentment, which is lovely, like when I was in the drive-thru line at a coffee chain yesterday and, on the radio, two or three good songs came on in a row, which had me dancing in my seat, which was joyful, but also hopefully amused a couple of other drivers in line who were waiting for the caffeine that would help buoy them through this stressful, unprecedented time. Just yesterday, I was able to visit with a friend and her family, which includes but is not limited to two beautiful, very opinionated people and a chocolate lab, all under the age of five. We talked, played with bubbles and a small, pink pair of sunglasses while the lab wrestled with his doggie puberty. Seriously, guys - with all the whining, licking, overstepping boundaries with his sniffer, wanting attentionattentionattention - I was like, "If you wanna ask me to prom, just do it".
This friend and her hubby are people with whom I have an agreement that we can reach out for help with moving. Not every pal is willing to do that, you know? So they're on my side in addition to my family, which provides a tactile support team, and I've been reminding myself recently of the need to take time - even just a second - to feel gratitude for one's supporters. After I broke the news early this month, my parents were bothered by my decision to change apartments at what seemed to be an improbable time, but they've been very supportive, as usual, and I'm so appreciative of their character and love for me but also the fact that we're a family at all. To reiterate, I've got people in multiple planes of existence rooting for me and pulling their weight, and as scary as it is to take this particular leap of faith, doing something that my friends and parents would never do, I have them to turn to, and it's important for me to fight off my trust issue and do my share to make this happen.
Within eight days, I will be entirely moved out of the old apartment, and right alongside my nerves is a good, excited confidence about it! This is so worthwhile! I get to start the next chapter!!!!!!!
Although. There's something I'd like to get out of my system: My Higher Self still won't tell me anything about my next location or the rent or whom I'll be renting from. Tarot's "The Sun" card indicates my excitement about the positive part of this change, but it came up just today as my green light to tell you guys about my Higher Self planning a major incident that will precede the move. This coming Wednesday, something is going to fall apart. I ask about it again and again, anticipation tensing my shoulders and disrupting my sleep, and the same two cards come up again and again: first The Tower, then Death, 'cause I'm still very much in the process of tearing down the old Shannon and building the new. No matter what apartment I choose, The Tower is inevitable. It would happen somehow, sometime for the sake of my growth, and I have no idea what kind of hardship it'll be. Am I gonna lose money or a car or a friendship? Will I be crashing at my parents' place with my stuff in their garage, just as my dad suggested as a Plan B? My friend Violet presented an unnecessary Plan C that would have me sleeping in her child's Star Wars and toy-laden bedroom. At least in that scenario, I'd have easy access to Lucky Charms, and that's a treat I appreciate. Death came up in Tarot because, as you and I both know, really feeling good in a deep (energetic, spiritual) way cannot be achieved without changing oneself. We have to get out of our own way and allow the crumbling/crushing/typhoon, etc. I still have so much to do to welcome the death of the previous Shannon...I wonder what her epitaph would say...
And now I'm picturing that Taylor Swift video for "Look What You Made Me Do".
Maybe the imaginary gravestone should depict The Sun from Tarot, my name and birth date, nothing more. Just for fun.
Anyway. I'm nervous about both the fact that I don't yet know where I'm going and the fact that I don't know what is going to potentially turn my world upside down, inside out during the coming week.
This is nuts and you get a front row seat.
I'll keep you updated.
