The Uncensored Library

           I'd like you to know that we have The Uncensored Library at our collective global (sanitized, socially distant) fingertips. I think that's so frickin' cool. Mind you, to access it, I personally would have to get my little godson to let me onto his Minecraft account, since the library's only available on that game, and simply having the bare bones version gives you access, but the fact that I’m still fairly young and already choose to be technologically out of touch is not as alarming as censorship and not as exciting as this resource! You see here, whippersnapper, this be impor’ant!

Puttin’ yourself on lockdown during a pandemic makes life more stressful, for damn sure. That said, a survival mindset typically means that you believe you're always lacking, whatever that lack means to you. It stems from an increase in the stress hormone cortisol, maybe even more adrenaline, which of course means more selfishness, anxiety, fear and greed. The more one might hoard toilet paper or baby formula or price gauge hand sanitizer, the more they are defeating their purpose of empowerment. They're giving their power away to stress. A more productive, less stressful way of managing hardship and a sense of isolation is to focus on a sense of community and of family, as well as personal growth.

           Recently on an episode of her "Better Together" podcast, Maria Menounos chatted with the fantastic psychic medium John Edward and said, “What do people do in prison? They work out, they read, get their Master’s degrees, they do all these things!”, which I think is an appropriate analogy.

Inner Child, Part Two

           I appear in the pink-painted bedroom with a pop sound just as a girl is closing up her jewelry Caboodle and pushing it away.

As expected, we lock gazes, allowing me to see very familiar features – eyes that seem to be a combination of blue, green and gray with a thin ring of yellow around the pupils, framed by long lashes. I’ve always thought of that nose as cute, too.

Within minutes, the crayons and colored pencils are out and we’re storytelling together, drawing scenes, trading ideas and dialogue, coloring in the details. One thing I’ve always been is a storyteller. My right knee aches suddenly, briefly, and, as is my current habit, I unfold my legs.

“Okay,” I say to the little girl. “Where am I? Do I take notes on the meeting?”

“No, you’re helping, we’re talking.”

I chuckle in surprised amusement. “You got it.”

Inner Child, Part One

           I need to sit more with my inner child.

Dark-Eyed Monday

Including today, which is, of course, Monday, the 17th, I had a productive weekend. Writing, exercise, catching up on sleep, learning about the one and only Dawson Church and benefiting from a guided meditation he did with the host of YouTube's "Inspire Nation". I had a lovely dinner with my parents and saw, on the counter, Dad's Valentine's gifts for Mom, which involved a card of which I swear I got a birthday version either in '19 or '18 (That gave me pause, though I blame card companies, not my father). 
Because you were dying to know, yes, my mother still makes tasty chili.
And I finally started watching "AJ & the Queen" on Netflix. 
Younger me always appreciated Rupaul Charles, but as an adult currently undergoing a transformation that involves remembering who I really am, meditating, etc., I'm in a phase of looking up all of these interviews with him, hungry for the parts where he says such inspiring things, putting out into the public the fact that in a sense, this world and its expectations and pressures are an illusion, muthah F, so don't pay it too much mind.



This weekend had also involved a lot of reflection and self-discovery work, which ate up more energy than I had naïvely expected.

I had the day off from work and spent a good chunk of it running errands. Partway through, I happened to look at myself in the mirror, planning to inspect my makeup. I think I felt something near my eye and wanted to be sure, but what held my attention was that -
holy crap -
I did not look good. I mean, I'm pretty and all, but damn, my foundation was doin' nothing to hide these half moons that, at least in the afternoon light comin' through my car window, looked a lot darker than I expected to see after sleeping in today until *gulp* 10:30. I had let myself sleep because upon waking to my alarm two and a half hours earlier, my limbs had felt like lead and I just...didn't feel lazy but not well, not rested. All afternoon, I had felt tired, even after a big cup of espresso, and here was this image. My surprise and concern came about not just because I slept in, but because I had gone to sleep around midnight the night before, which is what I've thought of as a good time - not early, not late - and I had slept until 9/9:30 Sunday. Saturday I had taken an hour nap after only two or three hours' sleep due to my having the occasional, typical night of keeping myself with guilt and anger or past wrongs.
I'm assuming now that the inner work these past four days took more of a stressful toll than I realized. Ugh. Worth it, but ugh. Must fix and recover.

If you decide to dig in to work on yourself, please do what I'm going to master, which is balancing it with the kind of self-care that means de-stressing and proper sleep. We must strive to be good roommates and excellent soulmates to ourselves. 
*gazes into the mirror* Now go to bed, Racoon Eyes. 

Dating Attitude Dichotomy: Cynicism

            For me, dating that is pretty much intuition-free is utter bulls**t.

           
            I have a friend who would have loved for me to have dated more and told her more about it. A s much as she loves and supports me, she has occasionally let slip that she seems to make negative assumptions about what kind of person that I and her other friends will attract, not to be catty but to prepare herself using assumptions that are not about or because of me. The source of that is past pain and possibly self-doubt. That said, her words grab the attention of the fearful voice in my head and elicit classic internal reactions of the Shannon I used to be. Our individual negative opinions are not about one another.
 

            In this post, I’m gonna dig into both cynicism and the Law of Attraction. Wanna come along?

Had a Good Moment

It was a Tuesday, I was working consistently at my desk, encouraging my brain to go from the task before me to my energetic efforts, including this genuine desire to change thoughts and the management of emotions. I wanted to change myself somehow on this day, even in the smallest step.
On my lunch break, I meditated for just over ten minutes and did some reading about some spirituality-related practices. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
After work, I had to cover someone's shift volunteering with some rescue cats. One of the animals has been in the care of Second Chance Network, a nonprofit animal rescue collective, for 21 months now, and Sylvester, the cutie with large, pale green eyes appeared to be as frightened as his description card stated, poor baby. As I cleaned his crate, I asked if he was okay with my performing Reiki inside it. He said nothing and looked away, which I decided was not a no.

3 Fictional Females Who Were Pieces of Me

           I reference such a variety of TV and movies here, guys, but the point is to kindly try to relate to a few and contrast myself against them. If you'd like to share your list or your comparison to a favorite character, please feel free to reach out.